I had been booked into the Elgiva Theatre in Chesham for some time so I did my best to time medical stuff so I would be OK to do the show.   Debbie insisted I take someone with me in case I wasn’t very well.  I felt fine but I knew Deb would be down in Devon doing an appearance.   Kanna from our village said he would come with me and we had a ‘boy’s night out’ at this lovely theatre.    It all worked out well with a great crew and a great audience.   Mind you, after a couple of hours prancing around on stage my groin was letting me know enough was enough.

I take it easy most days but on Sunday we had to go up to Sheffield ready for a very early start on the Monday.   Up at 6am and on the set at 7 to shoot all day in the tiny Lantern Theatre.  When you watch a TV commercial try to watch it through our eyes.  Time how short the individual shots run for, and then think that they are shot over and over again from every angle.  Lordy Lordy Lordy what a long day that makes to create 30 seconds.  Watch out for Mazuma adverts towards the end of this month.

Apart from continuing on eBay bits and bobs I have been trying to take it easy, but I feel that I am more than well on the way to recovery, if not already there.

Martin, sadly still away on a ship somewhere, sent me this… everybody should be made aware of this…

How  many zeros in a billion?

The  next time you hear a politician use the word ‘billion’ in a casual  manner, think about whether you want the ‘politicians’ spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.  Absorb every detail of what follows:

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. BUT at the rate our government is spending it a billion UK Pounds ago was ONLY 13 HOURS AND 12 MINUTES.

Let’s consider Taxes:

Building  Permit Tax, Cigarette Tax, Corporate  Income Tax, Income Tax, Unemployment Tax, Fishing License Tax, Food License Tax, Fuel Permit Tax, Petrol/Diesel Tax, Hunting License Tax, Inheritance Tax, Inventory Tax (tax on top of tax), Liquor Tax, Luxury Tax, Marriage  License Tax, Property Tax, Real Estate Tax, Service charge taxes, Social Security Tax, Road  Usage Tax, Local  Tax, Vehicle License Registration Tax, Vehicle Sales Tax, Workers Compensation Tax, Value Added Tax, Pension Tax

Not  one of these taxes existed 100 years ago… And our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national  debt… We had the largest middle class in the world…
And  Mum stayed at home to raise the family.

What happened?
Can you spell ‘politicians?’!!

Who gave them the right?

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Me again.   I thought I had best update the situation.  As I wrote, the angiogram went well but I did have a problem the night of the op.  I woke up with a huge lump in the groin where the plug had leaked and I was back in the hospital immediately.  Apparently in trying to get up I’d overdone something and passed out.  Debbie tells me I was flat on my back with three young women groping about in my groin.   It will now be a lifelong regret that I missed all the fun.

Whatever they did, they released me about 3.30 in the morning and Deb brought me home again.  Ever since I have forced myself to take life easily, avoiding all forms of exercise.  As I have always done that, nothing changes.   The lump gradually subsided and was replaced by a large area of bruising.  That is totally normal and now it is fading away.   Two days ago I started to feel my old self again, but the vicar says I mustn’t.

Debbie and I went to see the Village Panto, always a fun night out but this year it was truly exceptional.  My hat is not only off to them, it is thrown into the air at how much fun they created that night.

What else?  Well, the house is now networked computer wise which should make things like the diary more efficient.  I have kept popping stuff onto ebay, but today it won’t let me put any postages on, and then won’t let me proceed because I haven’t put the postage on!  Isn’t technology wonderful?

Debbie’s family came round and I worked on an old photo of Debbie’s Dad and Grandad, removing all the scratches and blemishes. Deb’s Dad was over the moon at the result.  What a good boy I am.

I have a show to do on the 28th at the Elgiva theatre in Chesham so I will have to get the props back into order for that.   Other than that I will continue to be frustrated by politicians spending all their time slagging each other off instead of running our business….

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I know it’s a funny title for a blog, but I felt that there must be lots of people out there who might be afraid when they hear they have to have one.

As I had a ‘funny turn’ just before the end of the year, the medical geniuses decided I should have a full MOT. Of course, being the big brave butch hero that I am, I immediately knew I was going to die and planned accordingly.   Debbie, higgerant of my inner feelings, carried on in her normally cheerful happy state whilst brave me protected her from the impending doom and gloom.

I read all the pamphlets and the internet articles but none of that really told me what it would feel like and I pondered upon whether I would be crying screaming and yelling and, therefore, ruining my image of macho man.

The day drew near and Mother Nature smiled at me, threw down tons of snow, and the hospital closed except for emergencies.   Was this a sign?     The operation was delayed for 7 days and despite my prayers, there wasn’t enough snow to keep it closed for another week.   Debbie drove me in to the Royal Berkshire and was asked to go away whilst they prepared me.   Bravely I joked but I suspect my knocking knees gave me away.   It’s a local anaesthetic.  What?  I wanted the lot.  I did not want to be awake for this thingy, whatever it was.  OK, the doctors and nurses were all VERY positive and cheerful and efficient but of course, I knew this was just a cover up for my benefit.

8am I went in on the morning and all too soon (for me) I was sitting outside the theatre waiting to go ‘onstage’.   I have to say that when I went in I was extremely impressed with the efficiency of the team.  My groin area was sploshed with Iodine and a very unnecessary oversized sanitary towel placed over my private parts for modesty.   Unnecessary?  Of course, these people must see hundreds of willies every day, and mine, shrinking and trying to get back into my body to protect itself, certainly didn’t need the oversized towel.

The machinery swings around you and there is a bit of pain, but no more than when you give a blood sample or have an injections.   Grit your teeth and concentrate on thinking about one of the nurses and you are fine.  I never felt the tube being pushed in much at all so the heat of the fluid coursing around my veins came as a bit of surprise.  This ‘heat’ does not hurt, it’s just strange, and it ‘kicks’ into different areas, not just around the heart where they are checking to see if any of your tubes have closed up at all.

In about 20 minutes it was all over and in my case my tubes were declared to be good and I did not have angina.  Apparently, if they had found a narrowing, they would have fitted a stent at the same time, which would have been another 30 minutes at most.

Then you have to lay down for half an hour, sit up for half an hour and then shuffle to the toilet and back.   The doctor/surgeon had put a plug into the entry hole he had made to seal it off and I was declared well enough to go home at quarter to twelve.    I was told to spend a lot of time laid down, not to lift anything heavier than a cup of tea, and what to do if my groin swelled up.

As I said, I was really impressed by the team, and by the team that took me back in and dealt with me ‘just in case’ when it did swell up later that night.   Thank you Royal Berkshire Hospital.

So, if you are going in for an angiogram, it will feel VERY strange, but you will be fine.

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Yup, I consider myself to be a lucky guy and I am not talking about the fabulous career I have had and continue to have.  I worked hard for that.   Nope, I am talking about the army of family, friends, acquaintances, fans and collected audiences that have sent me good wishes in general and in particular for my health.   Your messages cheered me up no end and boosted me along the way.   I cannot possibly thank you enough and will now stop this before I burst into tears…. and so will you!

There’s nowt much to report in the way of news.   I think by now the world knows we have been enjoying wonderful snowscapes.  

Whilst stunningly beautiful and fascinating it also caused some inconveniences and sad deaths where people walked on lakes and went through the ice.   Not me.  Our creek has frozen over but I am definitely not going to try that one.

So all I have done is play, really.  I couldn’t get into the hospital for my second check-up. That will happen next week with luck.   By using driving techniques that I learnt in the north in my youth, I have been able to drive CAREFULLY on the ungritted frozen roads.    I remember one hill in the north where the roads authority took the trouble to put under-surface heating into it and when it got down to near freezing it switched itself on and the ice disappeared.     I also got to thinking about those huge machines that burn the tarmac surface off as they slowly trundle along doing road repairs.   Surely a smaller version of that moving around the borough could get rid of a lot of ice?

As I type there is a brightly coloured pheasant strutting across the snow.  I wish I had a longer lens on the camera, but this one will just have to live in my memory.

So, apart from putting stuff on ebay and doing jigsaws, life has ground to a halt.  Perhaps that is for the better and allowed me to have time to plan the coming year.

Let’s all hope we have a good ‘un

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It is the 31st of December 2009 and I say farewell to this year with VERY mixed feelings.  Overall it has not been bad at all really.  Business could have been better but Government and local Councils conspire against us to prevent us being successful so I don’t take it personally.

Family and friends have been good to be with and my close family are all well, which is after all the most important thing of all.

Fans and followers on Twitter have been so supportive and SO funny; I have preferred reading their comments to watching TV.

Our Christmas was really good, although I miss seeing Paul Jnr over that period, he is always busy running the shop in Wigan.  I managed to get to see him just before the season started proper and that was good to do, but it’s never quite the same.   We went to lunch with Mam and ‘Pad’ and Sue who were stuck in the south doing pantomime, after a night at Deb’s Mam and Dad’s place.  Then it seemed to be quite a round of family and friends dropping in, swapping gifts and playing games.

And so the festivities went on and all was well, until yesterday morning that is, when I awoke at about 6.30 to find that I had a pain in my chest.  You read about these things of course, so the first thought was ‘Is this what a heart attack feels like?’   I guess you don’t know unless you’ve had one.   I didn’t feel anything odd anywhere else, like in arms and stuff, so I waited until 8a.m. before calling the local surgery who said they could fit me in about 10.30.  I thought that might be a bit too late, because, being a man, I already knew I was at death’s door, so they changed it to 0850.   I snuck out of the house and went to see the doctor.

Blimey, after some questions I was put into the nurse’s room for the same questions and tests and suddenly I am in the back of an ambulance.  I answered the same questions again and was given the same tests again, I worked out, therefore, that the medics don’t trust each other.   Perhaps it is standard procedure to lose personal medical records and they want to guarantee that at least one of them will do that.

I must say that the doctor, the nurse and the ambulance crew were all brilliant and I was in the Royal Berkshire in no time at all, where………………….. I answered the same questions several times and had the same tests several times and then worked out that perhaps it was ME they didn’t trust.   By now Debbie had joined me and sat watching it all happening.  By now of course I was bored so started to create comic answers to the questions and Debbie kept on ruining that by telling them the truth.   I was connected up to loads of gadgets and now I knew it was really serious because I know how painful it is to pull them damn sticky pads off again.  I have a hairy chest!

Blood tests, ECGs, pills, needles went on and on.  I wasn’t allowed to go to the loo so they gave me one of those funny shaped boxes to wee into.  As the nurse took it I wished her A Pee New Year.  She didn’t laugh.

They scanned my heart and showed me the scan pictures. Ah… it wasn’t a heart attack…. I was pregnant, well, that’s what it looked like.

It turned out my heart is slightly enlarged.  Big Hearted Daniels that’s me, and now they want to me to have my arteries checked to see if there is any blocking ‘cos the scan doesn’t show that stuff.   They have told me that they will give me a local anaesthetic and go in my groin to check for angina because they are still not sure whether it is a heart problem or the coq au vin from the night before.  Unfortunately the waiting area was a bit noisy and for a while I thought they were going to operate on my groin and give me a vagina.  Work out for yourself what I did with a van and the coq….

What a start to my new year that would have been!

The good news is that I didn’t have a heart attack.  Lucky me.

May you All have the best of years in 2010.  Thank you for reading.  HAPPY NEW YEAR

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I write this on a VERY bright Sunday morning.  It’s quite dazzling as the rays bounce into the lounge off the snow.   Some complain but I think it’s lovely.   Debbie is burbling away on the radio, or at least she was until the signal went on my computer… and as I typed that the sound came back.  Typical.

Being off for the holiday means that I have been to things I normally miss and for the first time for a couple of years we have a nice tree and all the cards on display.   We went to a nice Rotary evening, friends are dropping in all the time, we watched Chris win on Strictly Come Dancing and I drove 320 miles on Friday to see Paul in Wigan.

Of course Mother Nature knew I had to do that so the night before she threw a lot of snow and ice down to slow me up.  It boggles me every time it snows and the world comes to a standstill.  All I do is drive well back from the other vehicles in case of black ice that I can’t see and get on with living.

I had a nice ‘job’ the other day, although it can’t really be called a job.  I made a surprise appearance at the wedding of a magician and his assistant, and I mean SURPRISE.  The Best Man had organised it and it was a pleasure to be there.

As I said on Twitter, a BIG thank you to Mam’s neighbours who cleared the snow away and lots of other bits.

Just in case, ‘cos I never know what I am up to, may I wish you all a VERY Merry Christmas and a Happy and Peaceful New Year.

Tons of Love as we come to the end of my 60th year in Magic.

Ho Ho Ho

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It’s nearly Christmas everyone.  I’m sure you haven’t noticed.  This year, because we don’t have to rehearse or perform in pantomime, we are way ahead.   The tree is up, my ‘toys’ are dotted around the house.  By that I mean Santa’s workshop and other automata are whirring away.  We even bought one of those large inflatable balls with Father Christmas and a snowman inside AND it’s snowing in there.   You might have guessed from this that WE LOVE CHRISTMAS.

The morning news is on as I write this and they are promoting that we wrap our presents in newspaper.  What nonsense.  I am against anything that gives the press barons more money AND I love the colourful wrapping paper that helps to create the Christmas spirit.  

This season has started well for us.  We went to the over 70s Christmas Party that the Mayor of Henley organises and enjoyed the singing and the sketches.  Even the Mayor sang (very well) and I know Vince Hill turned up just as we left.   The day after that we had lunch with the team that promotes the British Sausage Week.  Really good to see them all again and then we just made it in time to the fund raising concert by Vince Hill at the Kenton Theatre in Henley.  It’s no good me telling me you how good he was; you should have been there!   What a good night we all had and then we nipped up to Luscombes restaurant just outside Henley.   In all that’s what I call a good day.

What else has been going off?  Well, Gordon Brown was slagging off Cameron because the latter went to Eton.  I heard it whilst driving along and wondered why he had no real ‘business for the country’ to deal with and was wasting his time being a silly little boy.

Then he’s gone off to deal with the environment, the great puzzle of the age, because some of us believe we can make a difference and some of us think it is all nonsense and Mother Nature deals with it anyway.  Oh yes, I LOVED him promising 1.5 billion pounds to other countries.  I suppose he will have to borrow that first…

Still, it’s OK now ‘cos he has spent a night in Afghanistan… Forgive my belief that it was more for publicity than practicality.

AND there’s poor old Tiger Woods and the way the virginal media have dealt with his problems.  Every few weeks will find me screaming at the media that what ‘celebrities’, sportsmen, vicars, members of governments do in the private lives, and is legal, has NOTHING to do with us.  Those of us who have lived full and happy lives know full well that you hit valleys in your life, that we ALL make mistakes of judgement or whatever.   WHO THE HELL CARES?  Enough.

One final note to the BBC.  I am sick of seeing the losing couples repeated and repeated and repeated doing, obviously, the same routines in the same frocks and saying the same answers to the same questions. Just do Strictly and leave it alone.

And now… more wrapping.  Ho Ho Ho

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Oops… I just found this is in the drafts folder… what an idiot.. but I thought I’d post it anyway.

What a kerfuffle over a magician doing a trick.  I think it is amazing how the media, in recent years, have gone gaga over conjuring tricks, having knocked such performers for years.  I do hope they are not setting Derren Brown up for a fall, ‘cos he does a pretty good job.

The thing that has kicked off the latest bout of interest is Derren ‘predicting’ the lottery numbers.   Now let’s talk common sense here.  IT IS A TRICK.  OF COURSE IT IS A TRICK.   There’s nothing wrong with that so long as you sit and are entertained by it and you have it in your head that it is a puzzle and how can you work it out.

If you sit and think it is real, as so many of the journalists and interviewers seem to have done when they phoned me this morning, what are you doing writing/speaking to the nation?  Surely you should just be praising a damn good trick?   Unless, that is, you do what one journalist did this morning and tell me what I already knew, how it was done!   I do hope he doesn’t publish the method and spoil the entertainment factor for the public.

Years ago, when the BBC got the rights to transmit the Lottery draw, I watched the show for a couple of weeks and suggested that we do a Lottery Prediction.   The BBC said no because they felt that the public would think it was all a fiddle!   That made me laugh because I could remember an act in the Workingmens Clubs who one Sunday lunchtime ‘predicted’ a numbers draw that would happen that same evening in the club  The game was called The Tote Double and that night, after the numbers were drawn, the mentalist opened the envelope and he had got the prediction spot on.   Suddenly a man stood up and in broad Yorkshire accent shouted ‘There’s only one way he could have known.  This Tote is a bloody fiddle.’  Another man stood up and shouted ‘I’m on the committee and I’m telling you it isn’t'  ‘You’re a bloody liar…..’ and the fight started and got bigger as more and more took sides.  In the meantime and throughout all of this Peter, the mentalist, stood on stage saying ‘thank you’ and taking bows.   Hilarious.

So, back to Derren and the prediction.  I suppose one of the reasons that I find the interest level so strange is that magicians have been doing this stuff for years.  In my early working years I used to predict the football pools, or headlines of newspapers, and so on.  I was not alone.  We, the Royal ‘we’ here meaning magicians, all did similar tricks.   I guess now I have lived long enough to see the ‘fashion’ come round again and I am glad to see magic getting the coverage.  This will have a couple of downsides, of course.  Firstly, all those poor guys who are out there performing ‘mentalism’ as they have done for years, will now be accused of copying Derren.   Secondly there will now be a huge wave of young magicians all doing nothing else but mentalism instead of realising Derren has got there first and they should find their own magical pathway.

Do I know the method used.  Yes.  Will Derren expose ‘how he did it’ for real?  I hope not because that could damage his credibility in the eyes of the public for the future.   I look forward to a lovely mixture of gobbledemisdirectionpatter. 

By the way, if you get the chance, go and see Derren’s stage show……………………AFTER you’ve seen mine!  LOL

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It’s an ‘orrible day out so I shall catch up on all the jobs that get put back. To be honest blogs are no longer my primary interest now that I can punch news onto Twitter.  When you first go to my blog link you are also offered Twitter at the bottom. Click on that and get all the updates.

Now it can be told: when last I wrote I said we had the police round.  What happened is that whilst I was sitting in the lounge, someone climbed up onto the balcony and got in through a window/door up there.   They stole a couple of cases and some jewellery.   Fortunately for us Debbie isn’t really a jewellery person so, other than the memories of who gave her bits and bobs, it was no great loss.

The burglary was much more of a nuisance than anything else and now we have to have all the security system upgraded and extended to placate the insurance company.  Annoying.

I went over to Pinewood to record a bit for the All Star Impression Show which I believe is to be shown on Boxing Day.  I was told not to do a Geordie accent which was weird when you consider who I was doing… you’ll have to watch to find out.

My next gig was in Brixworth Village Hall and although the audience was small they were great.  With regard to selling tickets in such venues I have learned a couple of lessons from Brixworth. Firstly a lot of people didn’t believe that it would really be me. After all, what would a sex symbol be doing in their village hall?  The other problem of course is that Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor were on TV.  Hmmm…. avoid Saturday night bookings Paul.

The Grand Order of Water Rats Annual Ball was this week and it was good to see it back on form with a really good cabaret.  If you are looking for a different comedy act book Kev Orkian and if you are looking for a real star book Elkie Brook, WOW.   This was a very late night with good friends BUT the next morning we were on the steps of the St Paul’s Cathedral.  So were over 100 Father and Mother Christmases raising funds for Great Ormond Street Hospital.  Tourists were overloading their cameras for this one!

What else? We nipped out to ‘appear’ at the Fat Fish fish and chip shop in Wooburn Green.  Quality food.  There’s nothing like fish and chips. 

Another job I had this week was to do an afterlunch speech at the National Motorcycle Museum near the NEC, Birmingham.   I have had some odd jobs but this was for the National Loo Awards.  For my overseas readers a Loo is a toilet.   No, I didn’t do the ‘my career is going down the pan’ etc gags, but they seemed to like what I was burbling on about.

Whilst typing this, the rain has stopped, so I will nip out and do some jobs, well wrapped up of course.   Until next time….

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You must think that I have been laying down getting over getting stuffed with sausages.  One scribe, American, said that they can’t get ‘into them’ but let’s face it, their tasteless hot dog excuses for sausages don’t do a lot for us either.

But no… I have been reasonably busy. After any time away from home there is always an amazing mountain of snail mail and email and and and.  I did some of that and then on the 8th went to a dinner which always features comedians and I enjoyed that very much.  Bobby Davro and Johnny Casson were amazing.  I never knew Bobby’s Dad was an Olympic runner.

The next day we went to the great Luscombe’s restaurant for lunch to celebrate our neighbour’s birthday. His wife, the effervescent Annie, is starting to believe in the strange, self made, mixture of vitamins and pills now that he, Doc John, is looking so good at his age.

Then it was a couple of days of office drudge and more throwing out.  Debbie was doing more ‘public’ work than me doing a Radio 4 interview and a Fashion Show in Henley.  I managed to slip in an interview for Heat Radio.   Debbie did dancing lessons for Children in Need and I rehearsed for an Impressionist show that I have to record soon.  More clearing out meant off loading some theatrical curtains for Wargrave Theatre Workshops.

Comes the 19th and we set off quite early to go to Hastings where we checked into Bannatyne’s Hotel and Spa.  I cannot praise this place highly enough and a lot of that is down to the staff who were all great. That night we did a show in the Memorial Hall in Battle.  Yes, that’s right, 1066 and all that jazz.  We had a wonderful night with everyone laughing in the right place.   In the travelling down there, my guillotine illusion broke so I couldn’t put it in the show.  I find it amazing that you pay all that dosh out for a prop and it can’t stand the professional amount of travelling.   The promoter though had different thoughts.  He couldn’t understand why I was schlepping it around when obviously the show didn’t need it.   I had to explain that sometimes I put stuff into the show to keep me on my toes and also to change the rhythms of the performance.

Up early the next morning and on the road again.  Thanks to traffic it took us 6 hours on the road to get to Gainsborough to do a show in a beautifully converted church.  The theatre was a pleasure to work in and the two hour show flew by.   We drove about three quarters of an hour into the night after the show and checked into a Premier Inn near Newark.  On tour we often stay in these ‘motels’ if we are only in for a few hours kip, but Newark…. you rock.   The staff, again, were the best.  Lucky us.

Yeah, I know, we had to be up early the next morning again to get home.  It took 4 hours and the reason I had to be home was to be picked up to go to a photoshoot where I would be modelling for a calendar.  That was a laugh and I was able to be home for the evening and do………………..NOTHING.

Sunday 22nd November and after Debbie finished her radio show we went to lunch at the French Horn in Sonning with two friends, one old, one new.  Very nice.  Monday was a strange day/evening.  Debbie went off to present prizes at the Pride of Bracknell Awards and I stayed home.   That evening ended, when Deb came home, with us requesting the police to pop round.  I can’t tell you why, and it is not all that serious, just annoying.   It’s been annoying for most of today too.  I only put this in, not to tantalise you, but rather to let you know life ain’t all smooth sailing.

As most of you know we are working towards bringing Wizbit back. See www.wizbit.tv for details.   One police person asked about Wizbit and we had to explain him to another policeman.   It turned out he wasn’t even born when we first transmitted the shows.  Hmmm…. something to think about.

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